Empty
by ForeverByYourSide
Summary: I can't seem to pray properly anymore. All I want to do is curse out a higher being for taking you away from me. Suguru has succumbed to a fatal illness. Now Tatsuha must deal with the fact that the one person he's ever loved is gone forever. TatsuhaSugu


Empty

_-Italicized stuff_ Lyrics

_Italics-_ Flashback

"blah"- Talking

'blah'- Thinking (there's only one of these -.-;;;)

_-You left your bible on the dresser_

_So I put it in the drawer_

_Because I can't seem to talk to God_

_Without yelling anymore -_

I sighed as I entered the empty bedroom, glancing at the dresser in the corner. Nothing had been moved since you left. Somehow I felt as though, if I kept it all just the same, I wouldn't have to believe you were gone. I noticed a thick leather bound book on the dresser's top, and curiosity overtook me. I walked over, picking it up.

The word 'Bible' was imprinted into the cover, enlaced with gold leaf. I ran my fingers over the inset letters, smiling to myself at the memories it brought. You'd always been so religious, reading scriptures every night and living by them every day after.

Even being the child of a priest, I could never bring myself to be so diligent. I used to do the service for my father, and I always was a strong believer, just not so physically. But I had prayed with you, read with you, anything to make you happy. And it became a habit; I began to do it all automatically, and enjoy it. To see that smile light your face, I would do anything.

And when I thought about it, Father had been begging me to go back to helping him. But I just can't seem to pray properly anymore. All I want to do is curse out a higher being for taking you away from me.

_-And when I sit at your piano,_

_I can almost here those hymns_

_The keys are just collecting dust_

_But I can't close the lid -_

As I pass the grand piano in the living room, I remember how you used to sit there and sing those hymns you knew so well. You always wanted to sing. Playing the keyboard was your talent, but you loved to sing.

I used to sit there for hours, just listening to you play. You tried to teach me so many times, but I just wasn't cut out for it. I preferred to just enjoy your talent and bask in the sound of those perfect notes. Contrary to popular belief, you had a beautiful singing voice. Everything about you was beautiful, perfect, and yet you never seemed to believe it; you were too modest.

I remember when you got too sick to play anymore. It broke my heart, to see you look longingly at that piano or your keyboard, knowing you didn't have to strength to do it. But you never once complained. No, you just smiled and shrugged, and told me you'd be able to play again when you were well.

You played two or three chords on the piano before you went in for surgery that day. Your hands were weak, and the sounds were shaky, but you said you were grateful to be able to get out of bed again. Always optimistic, you once again assured me that you could play when this was all over, promised me my favorite song, and we left with the piano lid open and the keys exposed.

It hasn't been touched since. The keys are dusty, but I feel that if I close it, I'll be denying you of what you loved so much. So I'll just leave it open.

_-You left my heart as empty_

_As a Monday morning church_

_It used to be so full of faith_

_And now it only hurts_

_And I can hear the devil whisper_

_Things are only getting worse_

_You left my heart as empty_

_As a Monday morning church- _

I exhaled softly as I felt my heart tighten. It felt hollow, as if when you'd left you'd taken all that it was with you. It reminded me of when I held services on Monday morning. There was always one or two elderly people, and occasionally a mourning man or woman seeking solace in God, but for the most part the church was empty. The hymns lost all life on those days; they echoed off the church walls and made me feel small and insignificant.

You disappeared so suddenly that I didn't even have time to react. By the time I realized what was going on, it was too late to hurt, to cry. So I was just left with this empty feeling that can't even be rivaled by pain. There's now an incomprehensible void in my life that I can't seem to fill.

_-The preacher came by Sunday_

_Said he missed me at the service_

_He told me Jesus loves me_

_But I'm not sure I deserve it_

_'Cause the faithful man that you loved_

_Is nowhere to be found_

_Since they took all that he believed_

_And laid it in the ground- _

I'd performed more funerals than I could remember, but I couldn't bring myself to perform this one. I felt as if saying those words would finalize it all…that admitting you were gone would make me lose you forever. If I just pretended it was all a dream, I would have to wake up at some point. Wake up with you beside me and tell you the whole thing, have you assure me that none of it had ever happened.

It was almost as if when they closed that coffin, they took every shred of faith in God I had ever had and locked it away with you. And that's when the pain finally came. Denial was suddenly futile, and I was forced to acknowledge that I would have to live the rest of my life without you. It hurt so much that I could have sworn it had torn my heart in two. But I never shed a tear.

One of the men I often performed services with had come to see me only a month after you passed away. He asked me where I'd been, told me he and the others had missed me. Although they had never approved of my love for you, I explained my absence to him. I surprised myself with how apathetic my voice sounded, and I almost wanted to hit myself for it. I should cry, but for some odd reason, as heartbroken as I was, I couldn't.

He told me he was sorry for my loss, and promised to pray for you when he returned to the church. He then assured me that God loved me, and to keep that in mind. For some reason, I couldn't see any higher power loving me, when I had lost all sense of faith. I felt almost impure when he told me that, as if I didn't deserve a love that was supposedly holy.

_-You left my heart as empty_

_As a Monday morning church_

_It used to be so full of faith_

_And now it only hurts_

_And I can hear the devil whisper_

_Things are only getting worse_

_You left my heart as empty_

_As a Monday morning church- _

No matter what I did, I couldn't bring myself to get used to spending a day without you. Some part of me still thought the phone would ring at any moment, your sunny voice on the other end, telling me it was all an elaborate hoax.

My life felt incomplete without hearing the piano notes from upstairs, your touch, and your voice. The sunrise didn't seem as bright when I didn't see it reflected off your face, and its set seemed more sad and less beautiful. It was just another indicator of how long it had been since I had you in my arms.

_-I still believe in Heaven_

_And I'm sure you've made it there_

_But as for me without your love_

_I don't have a prayer- _

I recall sitting next to the hospital bed one afternoon. You were thin and pale by then, and it was almost as if your skin was completely translucent. But nothing could pull the life from those beautiful eyes of yours. You'd fixed them on me, too weak to talk much but completely intent on listening.

I asked you how you could still be so devoted to God after all you were going through, how you could bring yourself to believe. You smiled softly at me.

"_Tatsuha, if I don't believe, what else can I possibly do? Nothing is going to change how I am now. So…I still believe. "_

I pondered that for a few moments, and then found myself overcome with curiosity. The person I knew would never have said a prayer for himself for as long as he lived. So what had you been praying for over those months? During all the time you were suffering in such pain? I meant to ask you, but you'd fallen asleep.

You always looked so innocent when you slept. It was almost as if you had already become an angel. No one had to pray for you; there was no way heaven could turn down such a perfect seraph. As for me…I probably needed all the prayers I could get.

It struck me that such a beautiful human being should never have to go through such pain. I couldn't recall a moment when you had put yourself first, when you had been selfish or unkind. My image of a great and loving God had long since been morphed and skewed by your suffering.

I ran a hand softly through your hair. At any other time in my life, I would have been praying for all it was worth. But that day it felt as if whomever I was speaking to either didn't care or couldn't hear me.

_-You left my heart as empty_

_As a Monday morning church_

_It used to be so full of faith_

_And now it only hurts_

_And I can hear the devil whisper_

_Things are only getting worse_

_You left my heart as empty_

_As a Monday morning church -_

"_I don't feel so well, love…please stay…"_

"_I can't, you know that. I have to do a service in about twenty minutes." I placed a comforting kiss on your forehead. "I'll be back in a few hours, I promise. I love you."_

_You intertwined my fingers with those of your fragile hand. Your grip was so weak…it worried me. "Please don't leave…I'm begging you …stay with me…"_

"_I'll be back as soon as I can. I won't be gone long." _

"_Tatsuha, I don't think-" You stopped, exhaling slowly. "All right. I love you…"_

"_I love you, too." _

If I had known those few hours were some of your last, I wouldn't have left. When I got back, a nurse rushed up to me in the hallway, telling me you had taken a turn for the worst. I came to your side as fast as I could.

"_Tatsuha…?"_

"_I'm right here."_

_You winced, tears gathering at the corners of your eyes. "I'm scared…"_

"_Don't talk. It's going to be ok."_

"_It hurts…"_

"_Shh…"_

_The nurse came back in with a syringe, silently injecting the medication into the IV needle in your hand. She turned to me, mouthing, "That should put him to sleep." I nodded, and watched as she left the room. Your eyelids started to droop only moments later. _

"_I'm tired…"_

"_Go to sleep."_

"_But I won't wake up…"_

'_I didn't think you knew.' I hid a sniffle, pulling your hand into my own. "It's ok. It'll be easier on you this way. I love you." I softly pressed my lips to yours, lingering as long as I could._

"_I love you, too…see you later, Tatsuha." Your eyes slid closed. I bit my lip, intent not to cry. Never once had you said the word "goodbye". You said it was too final, too defined, and even now you refused to employ that tactic._

"_See you later, love…" I stayed there until the sounds of the heart monitor beside you faded into nothingness._

_-You left your bible on the dresser_

_So I put it in the drawer... -_

I gently slid the bible into the drawer amongst your clothes. For the first time since you vanished out of my life, I let the tears trickle down my cheeks without even the slightest thought of wiping them away. I would never forget you, and I knew the pain would never cease to exist. Love is timeless, and you would forever be in my thoughts and in my heart. But I knew that it was time to let you go. I rose, deciding to do a service in an hour or two.

I gazed around the empty church, placing the items used for the service in the store cabinet behind the altar. Silently, I kneeled and said my first calm prayer in months.

"Lamb of God…you take away…the sins of the world…have mercy on us."

I turned instantly. That singing voice…completely unmistakable. But as was expected, I turned to see nothing. I shut my eyes. I couldn't see it, but I could feel the warm smile behind me, the dancing of light brown eyes as they waited with utmost interest for what I would do next, the sweet innocent aura of curiosity that always enveloped you.

I smiled. "Go home, koibito. I have chores to finish. I'll meet you when I'm done."

I could almost see that adorable pout as you relented, and I returned to my prayers.

R/R friends and fic-lovers! - Missa-chan


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